Welcome

Welcome to my blog.

Who knows if this will actually last, because in the past, I’ve been terrible with follow through. So for now, this will look like a generic WordPress blog, in part because I’m not committing just yet and in part because I can’t figure it out (despite a working knowledge in HTML and CSS) and I was impatient to get started.

I’m currently at a weird place in my life, between where I want to be and where I am. My life looks nothing like I thought it would. I’m thankful that 18 year old Kathryn didn’t get her way. I’m even okay with my 25 year old vision not coming true. Last year Kathryn certainly didn’t expect this.

I suppose I’ll look back on this time of my life, like so many others, and be thankful for it. And be thankful for where I am, and how, if I had had my way, I’d be in such a different place with different people, blah, blah, blah. That’s all a little hard to digest right now, though.

So, about me.

I graduated with a degree in history that I’m for sure not using right now. The plan was to get my bachelors in history, then a masters in secondary education. Somewhere along the way, that changed, but my major didn’t. So here I am. With a bachelors degree in history.

During my last year of college and the two years following, I was a ministry intern at the University of Georgia’s Wesley Foundation. Those three years were wonderful and I’m forever thankful for the way they shaped me. During my third year, I visited Bethel Church, in Redding, California. I decided to apply to the ministry school, and had planned to go the August after leaving Wesley.

I did not. I moved home and lived with my parents for year, working and saving, before I went to BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry).

I spent two years at BSSM. They were good, and they were difficult. I made the decision to move home after second year, get a full time job, and live with my parents til I could afford to move out. But I’m still here. I don’t think I’m seeing my years at BSSM clearly right now (for a number of reasons) which is why I simply described them as “good” and “difficult”. Perhaps writing will provide me with some clarity.

The past year has been difficult, and especially the past 6 months. After a particularly difficult job rejection, I kind of gave up searching for jobs. Then I put all of my hope in a coding bootcamp, without really considering other courses, or trying to find other jobs, because, hello, if you google the salary of a full stack developer, it’s enticing. Like “move out of your parents house soon” money. But it turns out making decisions informed by fear or anxiety usually don’t work out well. When you put all your hope in something that changes, when it changes, you feel like you have to scramble to keep your hope afloat. I know where my hope needs to be (the Lord) but I don’t know how to put it there right now.

In the past 6 months, I’ve become familiar with anxiety. I’ve had anxiety before. It’s always been manageable, for the most part. Until it wasn’t. And in the past month, depression has snuck in. Anxiety is it’s own monster, and depression is a bitch. There’s no other way to describe it. It kicks you when you’re down. It tells you all your sad thoughts are true. It’s a bully. It’s a bitch. (I have started seeing a counselor, so don’t worry, I am getting professional help.)

And here we are. Starting a blog. I don’t know what will come of it. Maybe nobody will read it. Maybe everybody will read it. Time will tell.

Enjoy.

 

One thought on “Welcome

  1. Hope you enjoy blogging! Can relate to your anxiety journey. I think I’ve had it all my life but only two years ago realised it when it became unmanageable. Depression also came and wasn’t fun. I felt such shame and hid it but finally told people and saw a psychologist and it helped so much just to talk about it. Love your openness sharing here and wishing you well on your journey.

    Like

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